Chico was the inspiration for this website. It was he that made me think that others might benefit from my knowledge of the Chihuahua breed.

My Personal Experience

Chico had been by my side keeping all my secrets, comforting me through all the bad times, and rejoicing with me through the happy times for 17 years. He was with us on every trip we took. He basically never left my side.

My Chico was always the healthiest of my three Chihuahuas. Pebbles is on heart medication and Remedy has some severe allergies and is on allergy medication. My Chico lived to be 17 years old and was not on any medication at all!

Though he kept slowing down and had arthritis he seemed happy and not in any pain, although I know how painful arthritis can be. In the last several months I noticed that he slept most of the time but otherwise he was my same Chico, just a whole lot grayer. He was a hearty eater! In fact, he ate his usual breakfast the day he died. Euthanasia was the last thing on my mind!

That Last Week

In the last week of his life, he began to have fainting or passing out episodes. First, one a day, then they became more frequent. But he came out of it pretty quickly and it was as if nothing had happened. They weren’t seizures, of that I’m sure. We don’t know why.

I took him to my veterinarian and he listened to his heart but didn’t think that was the problem. A veterinarian would never tell you to euthanize your dog or suggest euthanasia, but he kept gently reminding me that Chico was 17, a long life for a dog, even a Chihuahua. But, I thought “but he’s fine in between each episode”. I just couldn’t bring myself to even think about it!

Oh, I could have spent hundreds of dollars on blood tests and medication, and believe me I would have if I thought it would extend his life. If I had to I would have begged, borrowed, or done whatever it took, but my vet and I both knew that it wouldn’t make a difference. I did go home with some medication however, that we were hoping would help.

The Final Day

The last day, he had an episode and then another right after it. I won’t go into the details here, but suffice it to say the last one was absolutely horrifying and extremely heart wrenching to watch. I rushed him to the veterinarians. They are not allowing clients in the building right now due to COVID, however, because I work there, I simply walked in through the employees’ entrance and looked for Chico’s veterinarian. When I found him, I simply said, “it’s time”.

My husband waited in the car. He has always told me that if that ever happened, he was not going in. My soft-hearted husband could not watch them put a needle in his beloved Chico’s leg knowing what was happening. So he waited in the car.

I gently laid Chico on the table and petted him, talked to him, and told him good-bye and what a good dog he had been. I cried copious tears. I’m grateful for Dr. Ohmeke and to those that I work with who was very sympathetic and kind. Dr. Ohmeke said that if it was any consolation, he thought I was doing the right thing. But, there is no consolation.

Want to know what happens during euthanasia? CLICK HERE

How Do You Know When It’s “Time”?

Many people struggle with this question. I know I did. Unfortunately, there is not a particular age when it’s time to start thinking about euthanasia. There is no mathematical equation to tell you when it’s time.

The simple answer is; You know your Chihuahua better than anyone else. Only you are the one that can make that judgment. You know if your Chihuahua is in pain or is suffering. Only you know if your Chihuahua is just too tired to go on. You can read it in their eyes or you just know it in your heart.

What About The Guilt?

Yes, I feel guilty that I didn’t do it sooner and saved him from the suffering of that last episode. Yes, sometimes we hang on a little too long because we love them so much and can’t bear the thought of not having them in our life.

But, I don’t beat myself up about it and neither should you or anyone else. According to Psychology Today, “Guilt is aversive and—like shame, embarrassment, or pride—has been described as a self-conscious emotion, involving reflection on oneself”.

But also according to Psychology Today: “In excess, guilt may needlessly burden those who experience it.” I know that if Chico could talk to me now he would tell me not to feel guilty, that he knew I did what I did out of love. He would tell me that the suffering he experienced (before, not during) was short-lived and that he is glad that he no longer has to suffer.

Should You Be There?

Again, only you can make that decision. How people decide to be with their dog or not is a personal decision that is made for a variety of reasons. All of them are made out of love.

Some do not because they don’t want to cause their dog more suffering by seeing them upset. Others believe that even if they are upset, they owe it to their dog to be with them. No matter what the decision is, the reason is always done out of love for the dog.

No one is alike, no one has had the same past experiences that may have played a part in making that decision.

Not everyone grieves the same way. And they grieve in different degrees. Grief is based on your personal relationship with your dog and only you had that relationship. And that’s okay! Everyone is entitled to their feelings and emotions and no one has the right to judge those feelings or emotions.

Most People Are Sympathetic, but not all are empathic. Empathy can be defined as a person’s ability to recognize and share the emotions of another person. Empathy is often confused with pity, sympathy, and compassion, which are each a reaction to the plight of others.

Only share your inner-most feelings with a close friend. One that you trust. One that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt will respect your feelings and make no judgments. Remember that not everyone is a dog lover or feels the same way as you do about dogs or animals in general.

My Personal Feelings That Day

The day I lost Chico, all the way to the veterinarian (thankfully we live close) I struggled to breathe, I kept rocking him back and forth in my arms. All the while I kept telling myself, “I can’t do this!” “How am I going to do this?”

When I walked in it was obvious to others that it was something serious. People could tell by my tear-stained face and the anguish on my face. Although there were no clients in the building, the hospital employs many people in several departments. There was talking, but I couldn’t hear them. People were looking, but I couldn’t see them. All I could hear was my own screaming inside, “I can do this!” “I have to do this, he is suffering”, “I can’t let him suffer anymore.”

Chico was not really “with us”. You could tell by his eyes, they were blank and staring and he wasn’t in there. I think he had been without oxygen too long during his last episode. I’m grateful for that, I’m pretty sure he had no idea where he was or what was going on. But I will always feel guilty that I hadn’t done it sooner. He would not have had to suffer through that last episode if I had done it the last time that I took him into the vet.

On the way home I was numb. But, that didn’t last very long before the real pain began. I didn’t feel better. I didn’t think I had done “the right thing”. All I felt was empty, sad, and guilty.

Everywhere I looked were his “things”. His food bowl, his bed, his blanket. I had his collar in my hand when I got home.

Some of us don’t “handle” euthanasia very well. Some of us can’t “handle” it at all. That’s okay!

Conclusion

This was a very personal and difficult post to write. I appreciate that you found it and read it. It is my hope that sharing my experience and feelings may help someone else who has or will experience having to make this extremely difficult decision.

Sometimes it helps to share your experience with other like-minded people — even if only in written form. Feel free to post in the comments below your experience and know that there will be no judgment here. It may help others who have or are experiencing the grief and guilt.

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